I might act casual and I might treat you the same as I treat other friends.
But trust me,
It's always been you who is on my mind.

I saw a pregnant woman walking barefooted up and down the crossing bridge, I was thinking "where the heck is the husband?"

Another day I was waiting at the bus stop full of passing and polluted vehicles when I saw  another pregnant woman coming out of public transport and still thinking "why would her husband let her do that?"

Then I came across my sister-in-law who just gave birth today. She's been carrying her baby for months but still manage to do many things single-handledly. Even last week when her belly was just too big to let her walk she still forced herself to go to stores and buy groceries.

I guess it's a thing about being a mom (or mom to be). And it's a thing about love, and family.

My brother trusts her that she's still capable of doing whatever she feels like because she knows she's still strong enough. And she trusts my brother that if anything happens he will come straight and be in aid, but before that, let everything flows just the way it is. Maybe it's the same as the two pregnant women I saw earlier. Maybe their husbands trust them that they will be safe knowing that they cannot always be there for them. They trust each other.

Maybe this is what marriage is all about. 
It's about trust.
But above all, first and foremost, we trust God that we can rely upon Him.

I'm going to study further. Or start fresh to be exact.
I will apply to design school
Probably in Japan.
No, it must be in Japan
I will be an illustrator and work in an animation house.
Could be at Walt Disney, Pixar or Dream Works.
I will probably have to do Internship first.
Maybe in some manga house
As a drafter perhaps.
I will do some awesome drawing
Prepare my portfolio
Sketching non-stop, doodling here and there
Transferring all my shit on paper
Creating storyboard, learning to use drawing software.
Then I will make magic with my hand
Tell the world that this is not just some kids stuff they see on TV
This is art.

They say writing your dream will help you gather energy to pursue them.
I hope so.

I have the habit of repeating an unfinished song because I zoned out and didn't appreciate it at the first time.

They say when you write down your wish, there's a big chance that it might come true.
So here I will write my wishes.

I want to be fluent in Japanese so I could pursue my education further in that Land of the Rising Sun.

I want to see you, whoever you are, the one destined with me, in one of the street in Kyoto,
under the cherry blossom tree in Spring,
by chance,
I see you like a boy sees his favourite toy
You see me like a girl see her favourite flower

I want to go to Enoshima Island,
to the love lock bridge
I will write on the padlock,
"To my future children, Mommy will always love you".

Then Disneyland. With my best friend,
To fulfil our childhood fantasy,
our silly promise but never taken for granted

I want to get married,
with you. Whoever you are.
I hope you are as weird as me
And we find each other in the same signal of weirdness
Because if I'm ever lucky enough to find a weirdo, I probably will not let them go

I want to go for Hajj.
Fulfilling my religious duty, visiting Your house.
Asking for forgiveness
To the stupid mistake I did last time I came to Your house.
And for all my sins, before and after.

I want to make my parents happy.
And prove them that they have raised their children right.
Not perfect, not flawless.
Flawed enough to let us make our own mistakes
Imperfect in choosing our choices
Getting consequences, fail
And try again.
Thank you for teaching me to say thank you
To be kind to others, to be tough on yourself.
Thank you for the love.

Last but not least,
When everything is said and done.
When every choices are choosen
When we leave this Sekai
I want to go to Jannah. 
To the house of the Pious

though I know I'm not worth it.

.

One of these days I have been thinking, how important communication is in our life.

I realized as a child I have had not much of conversation with my parents. They were usually busy with their work that time. Well, I didn’t blame them. I know they were working for the family but I guess I wished they had more time.

Since I was in kindergarten I was used to going to school alone, usually by school bus. Everyday at school I could see parents waiting for their children to come out and give them a kiss. I remember I was envying them. I remember how I used to wish my parents were home as I walked back from school. But it usually ended up as my ever wishful thinking. Even my little brother got my maid dropped him to school, even bought him Coca-Cola when he started to cry and didn’t want to go to school. I wasn’t jealous of that. I feel proud that I didn’t that sort of thing to motivate me.

I was pretty smart in my elementary and junior high. I could say I was one of the top students. My dad was always sure I would go through University and working life easy seeing my grades like that. But life is much more than just grades. He saw my grades and achievement as common things. I never talked about school or my friends so he was surely thinking I was doing fine. I was not. He didn’t know I had trouble fitting in, didn’t know I had a low self-esteem, he always I was doing fine.

He always had plans for me and planted these ideas as if it was my own. Like what school I should go to, what University I should roll in, what major I should take. He never really asked what I wanted to do in life, what my passion here. See, we didn’t really have communication; or better said we only have one-way communication where He commanded me I have to obey. When I started to argue he always responded in disrespectful way as if thinking I am still a child without having a hint what I should and shouldn’t do, what I could and couldn’t do.

My University life was a long and winding road. I can’t say I didn’t enjoy them. It was sort of fun. But I knew I didn’t have motivation that time. I thought what I was doing was worthless. It’s not my passion. So I led my university life low and easy. I wasn’t serious. My grades dropped a lot. I never bothered much asking my lecturers. I sometimes skipped class (oh well, who doesn’t). I didn’t bother going to any club. I didn’t bother to making friends much. And this ended up as the beginning of my failed future.

It was hard for me to get a job. At one side I regretted that I wasn’t serious. I knew I could get through well if I put my heart into it, except I didn’t. On other side I wanted to show this to my dad, that I am no more her ambitious, happy-go-lucky, smart, academic driven little girl. I am a grown up. I failed just like others. I went through hard times just like others. I’ll put a label that I am not perfect and I will wear it all my life.

As I grew older I learned what went wrong. We never really communicated. He never shared his lesson learned, always show how good he is, how good his career is, how his children should grow up well and successful. It’s not wrong. But I wish he could share some of bad experiences too just make us feel it is fine to sometimes fail and try again. I usually hear stories from my mother’s point-of-view about his past.

If I should ever have children, I would plant a seed in their head. A seed of hope, a self-esteem, a self-respect. A seed of dignity and love.

Just like what The Help said:

“You is kind, you is smart, you is important.”

So I was wandering around Senayan City waiting for my mom two days ago. I went to my usual waiting place – bookstore. The only bookstore in Senayan City was Toko Gunung Agung. This bookstore is quite rare actually and I guess it’s the only store I found in Jakarta. They don’t have much collections on English books and the price is more expensive than even Kinokuniya (I wonder).

Anyway, I couldn’t find any books interesting so I turned to stationary corner. And I stopped at the art area. This corner is my favourite after the book area because I could see lots of art equipment from crayons, acrylic paints, watercolour, oil paints, in all colours, and sketch books and canvases. Then I found this tiny box. It turned out to be a collection of watercolour in blocks with various colours and brush. The first time I saw this was when I was in Kinabalu High School where my Korean friend brought a box of watercolour and I had been searching for this box forever but couldn’t find any. So when I found this I immediately bought it without thinking twice.

There are 3 kinds of watercolour box collection with different number of colours – 12, 18 and 24 colours. I bought the 24 colours because it was on discount (this girl can never refuse discount). Here’s what it looks like:

Inside the box you’re gonna have 24 blocks of different colours and you just need to water it a bit with the brush to make the paint. Here’s the interesting one. The brush provided from the box looks like a syringe where you could fill it with water. When you fill it with water, you can press the brush and a dollop of water will come out at the tip of the brush. So you don’t need to water your brush separately like normal brushes and you can actually adjust how much water you want to let out by the pressure you put on the brush.

I tried the paint on a paper and it turned out great. I’m not an expert at watercolour but I guess for a starter it was not bad. Here’s my first painting. I tried to paint Elsa from the movie Frozen but only the silhouette.

I always like the way watercolours blend. Unlike acrylic or oil paint where you can be generous, you have to be careful on the ratio of paint and water to get the colour you want. Furthermore you can’t put many layers on the paper because it will drench the paper. I guess I still need more practice on using this box but so far I’m quite satisfied of the result :)

Cheers,

Medina

I’ve had this blog since 2010 but I rarely post anything. There’s only 66 posts total after 4 years. So let’s start fresh. When I first set up this blog I planned to write anything special happening around me – hence I called it Special Circumstances. Let’s be honest, nothing so special occurred to me in the last 4 years other than I had boyfriend for 3 years and we broke up in 2013. Ground-breaking. The rest of it was just a typical life flow; four years of study then had a job. Everything is ordinary except the one that is happening in my head. Well you know how brain works. It exaggerates everything.

Sometimes my brain can be really bizarre and I often get headache because I overthink, and not all of them is positive. Sometimes it’s just full of ideas or shit. It happens everyday for as long as I remember and I kept thinking I need to transfer these stupid silly crazy things off of my head. So I decided I should start blogging again. Not just an ordinary daily diary but I should put stupid stuff too. That should do the trick. So that’s why I changed my blog name from not-so-extraordinary Special Circumstances to the silly What Crosses My Mind.

I wish you would have smiled in the bakery
Or sat on a tatty settee
At some mutual friends gathering 
And the more you keep on looking the more it's hard to take
Love, we're in stalemate
To never meet is surely where we're bound
There's one in every town
Just there to grind you down

I wish I would have seen you in the post office
Or maybe I did and I miss it
To busy with a mind on clever lines
Why not the rounder's pitch or the canteen?
You're slacking love where have you been?
Just had to go and wait until tonight

So give me the invite
Don't worry it's alright

I wish I have seen you in the arcade
Sipping on a lemonade
In the paper cup and chewing on the straw
And I wish I'd seen you in the bakery
But if I'd seen you in the bakery
You probably wouldn't have seen me

Arctic Monkeys - The Bakery